With love, from an ex anti-valentinizer

Throughout middle and high school, my girlfriends and I would celebrate Anti-Valentine's Day. While others adorned themselves in heart-patterned clothing and head-to-toe pink, we single ladies wore graphic tees with broken hearts and covered ourselves in shades of black. While the girlfriends got their teddy-grams and flowers, we rolled our eyes and pretended like we were above it. Maybe there was just a part of us that wanted to be contrarian, but for me, it was more about hiding the truth of what I yearned for, which was love. I wanted to be wanted.

It takes a significant amount of vulnerability to admit what you want and hope for. Admitting I wanted teddy-grams, heart-shaped chocolate boxes, and flowers was scary because what if I never received them? What if no one ever wanted me in that way? What if no one ever fell in love with me? (Big thoughts and emotions for a teenage girl, I know. Blame it on all the Taylor Swift songs I listened to on repeat.) I wasn't ready to put myself out on a limb like that, and if I'm honest, there are still many times I find it difficult to admit what I want out of fear I won't get it or I'll be rejected.

Truthfully, I've been hesitant to admit a lot of the things I want out of life. Once upon a time, I was afraid and embarrassed to admit I was lonely at various points in my first year of moving to London, and I deeply desired a friendship group like Carrie's from Sex and the City. I was once afraid to pursue Rove & Frolic because I didn't know if anyone would care about it, so I just kept it to myself. I thought: I can't fail if I don't try; I can't be rejected if I never ask.

But if I don't try, I can't succeed; If I don't ask, I may never receive.

In the name of self-preservation, we put on false pretences to spare ourselves the pain of rejection. It's easier to pretend we don't care. It's easier to pretend we don't want what we want. It's easier to act like we don't need love, friendship or community.

But pretending is lonely.

If we can't admit what we want, how do we expect that thing to come into our lives? You don't protect yourself by staying silent about what you want; you only hinder yourself from ever receiving it.

Admitting you want to meet new people and expand your circle is scary. Taking the time to explore those friendships and build community can feel like a risk. Putting your all into a dream that doesn't have guaranteed success is intimidating.

But, eventually, I allowed myself to shamelessly pursue and be pursued by love. I made a lot of mistakes along the way, and definitely have some incredibly cringe stories to tell as a result. But one day, it all proved to be worth it, and I married the most loving, thoughtful human being.

I made an effort to get out and meet new people, and I can now say I have so many amazing friends and a community in London that rivals Carrie Bradshaw's crew.

I eventually told people about my plans for Rove & Frolic and started hosting events shortly after making my website public. I've now been doing it for nearly a year, and it's taught me a lot and helped so many women find cool areas within London and even cooler girlies to call friends.

I've learned to be bold about what I want in this life, and to never let the fear hinder me from going after it, because if I had let my fears hinder me, I wouldn't have all these beautiful people and things in my life.

So, don't pretend you're not interested in that guy when you are.

Don't say you enjoy being alone just because you're afraid of meeting new people.

Don't dream in secret.

Put yourself out there, and be honest and bold about what you want.

With love,

Ex Anti-Valentinizer