The Antidote To Loneliness

Have you ever felt embarrassed or ashamed to admit you feel lonely? I certainly have. But here’s something I've learned about loneliness: it doesn’t matter how much you do or how big the group is you're doing it with. The cure for loneliness is not found in being busier or even surrounded by many people; it’s more about truly being seen and known, which takes vulnerability. But feeling safe enough to be vulnerable with someone takes time, doesn't it? So, how do we find the people who will really champion us and allow us the freedom to be our most authentic and vulnerable selves?

1. Know your worth and what you bring to the table

   You're not some pathetic loser who is desperate for attention and admiration; you're a human being who values true connection and genuine friendship, and anyone would be blessed to call you a friend. Knowing that you have something (multiple somethings!) to offer is an important part of finding your people, because when you walk in confidence of who you are, you attract the kind of people who will value that.

   
   

2. Say "yes!" to new experiences and step out of your comfort zone

   It takes a certain level of stepping out of your comfort zone and trying new things in new environments to meet your people. But only say yes to things you actually really want to do. For example, if you love to dance, see if there are any local dance studios or Zumba classes you could try. Chances are, you'll meet someone there who not only enjoys dancing but has many other similarities. I enjoy working out and doing barre classes, so I tried a local studio out by myself and actually met a great friend in that barre class, and now we meet up for monthly wine nights. But I had to be the person who stepped out of my comfort zone to try something new and make conversation with a stranger. And yes, it's a little nerve-wracking, but it's worth it. You don't need to overload your schedule with tons of new experiences, but maybe set a habit of trying one new thing on the first Saturday of every month. Then, once you find your thing, you can begin to really invest in that community whether it be a dance society or photography club.

   
   

3. Vulnerability and shared experiences

   If you think back to your childhood, the friends you made were often those you shared experiences with -- e.g., you went to the same school and had the same classes, your parents were best friends and always went on family holidays together, etc. You were around each other often and shared many experiences which created a bond. In adulthood, we have a lot more freedom to choose the experiences we have, but that also means we have to be a lot more intentional about choosing them. Once you choose the spaces you want to inhabit, you may discover yourself around the same people (like the other girlies in your dance studio or local gym). Being consistent and having shared experiences where you can get to know each other more allows you both to soften a bit to each other and create space and time for vulnerability. You may need to be the brave one and make that first step in inviting them for a coffee after the gym, and as you began to open up, you might just find that openness reciprocated. And once you can be vulnerable in a friendship, you'll find it's easier (and even more fun) to be around that person.

   

   
   

4. Let your "Yes" be YES and "No" be NO

   When you do say "yes," to plans, let it be a reliable yes. Sometimes, you overcommit then find yourself combing through excuses you could give to explain why you won't actually be coming anymore. We've all been there, so there's no shame. But here's the problem: if you say yes to plans then frequently cancel them, it doesn't create that sense of vulnerability and connection that we're wanting to nurture. Try to say yes to things you can commit to, and if you aren't confident you can follow through, then be honest about it. And if nerves are getting in the way of your "yes," encourage yourself to push through them. It's often worth being a little uncomfortable and nervous (as I mentioned in point 3). This could also be a really great opportunity to set a culture of vulnerability. For example: every Rove & Frolic social has a group chat, and all of the girls are added prior to the event. Maybe you could use that as an opportunity to be vulnerable and say, "Hey girls! I'm looking forward to meeting everyone, but I'm also a bit nervous. I want to show up, but I'm so tempted to bail and be a couch potato tonight instead." And I promise you that if you texted the group that, you'd be met with so much compassion and a lot of replies saying, "hey, girl! I feel the same way!"

5. Invest in your local neighborhood

   If you're in a big city like London, it's easy to feel a bit isolated and swallowed up by the enormity of it. But, actually, London is comprised of several smaller "villages." Whether you live in the cycle-obsessed community of Putney or artisty Shoreditch, there is a local scene in each of the areas. So, get to know your area and invest in it. Try to grab a few necessities from the local shop or one night's dinner from the local butcher and learn the names of those who work there. Soon, you'll find yourself being greeted with "the usual?" when you walk into your local cafe. Something about that phrase just makes me feel so seen and known.

6. Be courageous/Don't let your nerves get the best of you

   I've mentioned this a couple of times in earlier points, so I think it's worthy of being it's own point. I've said "no" to a lot of good things in life because I was nervous. There's grace for that and always another opportunity, but as much as you can, push past the nerves. I think of the women who have come to a R&F event without knowing a single person, and I am so encouraged by their ability to push through that initial hesitation and fear. It's a bit overwhelming putting yourself out there, but more times than not, I've found the outcome to be incredibly rewarding. And like I said before, it's a great opportunity to be vulnerable and share how you're feeling. You don't need to act cool and collected; you can be real about how nervous you're feeling!

7. Be Intentional

   In all things, be intentional and deliberate. When choosing what to yes to, when talking to someone, when listening, when making plans ...

This isn't a check list that you must religiously adhere to, but it's what I've found helpful as I've sought out my community. I don't think the antidote to loneliness is a fuller schedule or larger friend group (though I love making new friends and having lots of plans!); I think it's more about being comfortable in your own skin and willing to share who you are with others. It takes a lot of vulnerability to step out of your comfort zone, to make an effort to get to know your neighbors or local barista, to try a new hobby, to love yourself, to be intentional ... but this is what it takes to build a community and fight against those feelings of loneliness. It may be safer to hide away, but the reward is greater when you take a risk.

So, take the risk.

If you're still looking for your people and feeling like an island in this big city (or wherever you are), I'd love to pray for you:

Loving Father,

Thank you for this incredible, beautiful woman who You have created with such diligence, love and care. I pray she would feel confident in who You've made her to be and walk into every space knowing that she brings so much to the table. Give her the courage to keep showing up and stepping out courageously as she seeks her community. Would she be met with such love and acceptance for who she is, and would You continue to grow within her the ability to love and accept people as they are.

When feelings of loneliness creep in, remind her that Your presence never leaves her, and that she will always have a friend in You. May she know there is always a space for her at Your table, and that she is not left out or left behind.

Bring people into her life who will champion, love and support her, and may many laughs and great memories be shared amongst them.

Amen