The Musings of an Anxious & Highly-Sensitive-to-Rejection 20-Something Woman

There are often two main ways an animal will react to a threat: they will either a) attack or b) run and hide. (Yes, in some cases, they will play dead but I can't get that one to fit into my metaphor.)

In awkward or uncomfortable social settings, I tend to choose the latter. I used to attack anxiety with alcohol but have since found that's not very healthy. Who knew?! (I joke.) However, I'm not very keen on my new approach, either. In fact, I was at a social event the other night, and instead of being greeted upon entry with loads of hugs and "OMG! Hi! How are you?!" like other people were, I walked into the room and realised everyone was deep in conversation and no one even cared I had entered. (Well, I least felt like no cared, and my inner world can often overshadow the external one.) Some days, I can just insert myself into a conversation and it's no big deal. But on this particular night, I was feeling so anxious and rejected that I fled the scene, got halfway down the road before remembering my purse, considered just leaving it, then shamefully walked back before grabbing it and running out again.

On my journey back home, I dared myself not to cry and feel like a failure. But I did cry, and I did feel like a failure.

I'll let you in on my mind and how deeply it can spiral: I began to analyse every friendship I have ever had and how many I had lost and wondered if it was because I wasn't cool or interesting enough. The spiral continued: I mean, look, I am the common denominator in all of those friendships, and I was never good at math, but even that solution is easy to find. I'm difficult to be around. I'm emotionally unpredictable, not funny, boring ... Should I take classes on how to be more charming? I think I saw that on Instagram one time. Taylor Swift always captivates a room ... how does she do it? Well, she is like the world's biggest pop star, so I imagine that helps. Oh, Brielle, shut up, why are you comparing yourself to TAYLOR SWIFT? That's stupid. You're wonderful. But then why don't people like me? Stop being pitiful. You don't need people. Live a life of solitude. Be an enigma. Oooo now that will interest people. Gosh, no what I need is a lifetime of therapy.

There's a sneak peek into my mind. Fun place, right?

So, as I was spiralling and wallowing in self pity, a new thought broke through: What would it look like if I stayed?

I thought about the worse case scenario: I stand alone all night near the snacks and get ignored by every single person but at least get first dibs on the treats.

Yeah, that would suck. But I think I would be proud of myself. Bringing back the animal metaphors: If an animal perceives a threat that isn't really there, it doesn't matter -- in it's body and mind, it's life or death, and they must do what they deem necessary to survive. But, what if, instead of automatically giving into that instinct every single time a shadow moved, they took a second to ask "wait, what is this I am really feeling and why do I feel like I have to run away?" They might soon find the shadow is something really cool and kind and friendly.

Now, let me tell you a little story about a time I did stay:

I walked into a social event and I stood there for what felt like an eternity but was maybe 30 seconds, and no one seemed to notice me. I gave a few feeble, "Hi, good mornings" then bolted. Just outside the venue, a couple steps away, was a bench that overlooked the river. I sat and chatted with God for a bit. "Hey, God. I feel like people don't like me? Maybe there's something wrong with me. What's wrong with me?" At that very moment, I saw a girl in the distance that I had met once. I felt the Lord tell me to walk over to her. "Yeah, I don't really feel like it, Lord. I'm feeling pretty down." But I was so compelled to walk over, so I did. When I got to her, she was also looking out at the river with the same expression I must have had. I said, "Hey you're ____, right? How's it going?" and we started chatting. She then said, "Oh are you going in there? Let's walk together." I wasn't sure I was going back until she said that. I mostly felt that I didn't want to let her walk in alone. If anything, I could at least spare her of the feeling I had earlier.

Later in the day, while still out at this event, the girl and I got to chatting again, and I said, "I gotta be honest, I wasn't going to come in here until I saw you on the river. I was just praying to God about it, actually, and was telling Him I was going to head back home. Then I saw you and remembered we had briefly met before, and I felt like I should say hello."

She smiled brightly and exclaimed, "No way! I was literally praying the same thing! I was so nervous to come here alone, and right as I was about to leave, you walked up and I felt like I should stay."

We've been good friends ever since. Sometimes, shadows aren't scary; they're just what precedes something really cool.

I try to hold firm to this story when I feel like running away because it's a testament to the power of staying when everything inside you is screaming, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!" But, sometimes, the anxiety and fear take root, and I do run. I'm trying to recognise that as hard as it may be, it's my responsibility to make myself feel welcome. I have often held people to this standard that it was their responsibility to make me feel warm and welcomed and cosy, but in truth, if I struggle to be secure in myself, no amount of love and coddling from others will get me there.

It's my heart that no one ever feels unseen or unwelcomed, but the reality is, I won't always be able to ensure every single person is greeted with a big smile and "OMG! Hi!" in every single room I'm in. But I feel challenged to be there even if just for the one. Even if I can make one person feel a little less lonely, that's worth staying for.

No matter who you are or what you struggle with, I hope you know you're wanted and invited to take space in the room (especially when Rove and Frolic is hosting in it). And even if the room doesn't feel the most welcoming at first, you can shift the atmosphere by walking confidently in the knowledge that you are valuable, unique and unparalleled, and what you bring into the room is something no one else can bring.