feeling like a field mouse in a concrete jungle

Note: This blog post pairs nicely with Taylor Swift's "A Place in this World" or “The Outside”

I don't know what's worse: a pity invite to the party or none at all. Either way, it bruises my ego all the same.

I thought middle school would be the end of that bitter embarrassment when your classmate doesn't hand you an invite to their party at the bowling alley, but it turns out, that familiar feeling comes around again when the girl you've been trying to make plans with invites some of your mutual friends over for a dinner party but seems to forget to invite you. Or when you catch that there's a groupchat and you aren't in it. Or when you're at brunch and a friend says, "Oh, you didn't hear about that?" When you run into a group of girls you know and they sheepishly say, "You could totally join us if you want..." knowing you wouldn't have been invited otherwise.

The pain of not being included stirs up all those insecurities you thought you had overcome and makes you feel as small as a field mouse in a concrete jungle.

I'd love to be at the place in life where these things don't affect me, but I'm not quite there yet in my self-love journey. I wish I could just look myself in the mirror and say, "You're amazing, don't let 'em get you down, girl!" But even if I can manage to say that to myself, it's often with tears in my eyes and disbelief in my heart.

I want to be invited. I want to be included. Sue me, I wanted to be wanted (at the party and in the friend group).

I do believe there is a way to get to that place where the exclusion (purposeful or not) doesn't hurt me like it currently does, or at the very least, it doesn't totally ruin my whole day (ahem, week, if I am honest). While I can't yet tell you how, I can tell you I understand. I can empathise with the hurt and the deep sense of loneliness you feel in those moments where you've been forgotten or excluded. I can tell you (just as I have to tell myself) that it doesn't define your worth, and sometimes they don't even mean to exclude you.

I think a large part of why I wanted to create Rove & Frolic was so I could build a community where everyone was invited, welcomed and wanted. I suppose I am grateful to understand what it's like to be on the outside because it reminds me to always be the person who extends the invite and makes room for others.

I hope you know there is always a place for you here, and I hope even in the midst of feeling rejected, you will be a safe space for others where they can feel wanted and welcomed, too.

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